Day 23 – I don’t feel so good today

by hagz


I’ve been having a lot of marinara lately so I decided to finally give the roasted mushroom Alfredo a shot today. This was a mistake.

Alfredo sauce is kind of like a quesarito or a triple whopper from Burger King – something you should have maybe two or three times a year. I’ve now had Alfredo sauce three times in three weeks. The first two times weren’t that bad, but I think all of the butter and cream finally caught up to me today. I can tell I’m not going feel okay for a very long time.

Is this what it feels like to have something growing in your belly? If that’s the case, I hope I never get pregnant. Actually, at this point, I would be relieved if I knew there was a giant parasite in my stomach that was eating whatever I ate, because then, at least the food would be going somewhere. I’ve never thought about this until just now, but do babies poop in the womb? If so, does it just mix with your own poop and all come out? These are the disgusting thoughts that occur to you when you have Alfredo sauce three times in three weeks.

Sorry, I had to look it up. The answer is yes, sometimes they do.


The meal started promisingly enough, although getting a cream-based soup was probably poor planning on my part. Chicken and gnocchi, probably my second favorite soup, pretty good today.


Lots of chicken chunks.


Even a few elusive gnocchi.


This is the point during the horror movie where you know things aren’t going to end well. I’m here alone. Why are there three breadsticks? They used to only give me two. Do I look fatter? Are they expecting me to eat more of them? Will I become another statistic? Just another self-fulfilling prophecy? No, that couldn’t possibly happen to me. I would never eat three breadsticks. What am I, an animal?


Do shrimp swim in schools? Do they swim at all? I always imagined shrimp in the ocean bouncing up and down, kind of like sea kangaroos. Anyway, my dish came LOADED with shrimp today, I think there were fourteen or fifteen shrimp in there today. So how was the mushroom Alfredo? It was certainly not a step up from the normal Alfredo sauce, and I feel bad for anyone who pays extra for the roasted mushroom Alfredo. Granted, I’m not a huge fan of mushrooms in general, but I wasn’t digging these at all. Seemed like the same mushrooms you find on any pizza. So surely, I would have exercised restraint, and maybe taken half of my meal home to finish many hours later, right?


Nope. I think I blacked out at some point. No idea what happened. Oh, and those big swirls where it looks like a walrus climbed out of the bowl? Those would be the track marks from breadsticks no. 2 and 3. I hope my wife doesn’t divorce me.

Current weight: 174.4 – Okay, I know I’m not technically gaining any weight, but my face is definitely fatter. Maybe I should have been measuring the circumference of my face from cheek to cheek in addition to tracking my weight. My body fat’s probably higher too.

Breadsticks consumed (today/total): 3/34

Calories consumed this meal: 1,710

Current cost per pasta bowl: $8.04

Ever wonder why the Olive Garden breadsticks go south so quickly? Probably because they look like this when they arrive at each restaurant.